Hungry Little Alchi

Today, I got off work extremely hungry, but Jennie was hungry too so I fed her first. I couldn’t explain how I felt while feeding her. It felt like all the energy I had left was escaping my body that I felt so weak, dizzy and nauseous. I couldn’t wait for Jennie to get done so I can eat, too.

Then I thought of those nursing mothers who had nothing to eat. That had to skip meals because there was not enough food for everyone and they’d get lucky if there was something left after making sure their children got to eat something and though starving, still had to breastfeed their little one. I choked at the thought.

I thought of those mothers who are unsure if they will have food for the next meal or if they will skip another meal. Mothers who are mentally and physically drained.

Adding to the situation, an abusive, alcoholic, irresponsible husband.

I couldn’t take the thought. I took a deep breath. Tried hard not to cry in silence.

How sad is that situation? Can I be that mom? Can I take the situation? My brain answered, “You are so spoiled.” I guess, I am. I am so grateful that I can eat whatever I want, whenever, wherever. I am grateful that there is plenty of food to eat in my home. I am blessed that I don’t have to worry if me and my family will be able to eat our next meal.

When Jennie was born,  she got hungry because I didn’t have breast milk immediately. I worked hard for my body to start producing milk. It broke my heart to see her hungry and promised her she will never go hungry as long as I’m alive.  That was the first promise I gave her, a few hours after she was born.

I grew up poor. My mom was one of those mothers I mentioned above, minus the abusive husband. She was the best liar. We would ask her if she wanted food or if she was hungry, she would say, she was fine. She was not hungry and her 6 young children believed her. I saw how she stressed and worked hard to make sure we will have something to eat. Sometimes we were lucky, sometimes we were not. I know how it was to go to bed hungry. I know how it felt to just dream of food in your sleep while listening to my stomach growl or just drink plenty of water to trick it that it was full.

Growing up, I got asked what was my favorite food. I would answer fruitcake, with so much excitement. In reality, I never tasted one. It just sounded so delicious, and I just heard fruitcake from a song. So I promised myself, when I get a job, I will use my first paycheck to buy fruitcake. For years I wondered how fruitcake tasted. I couldn’t wait for my first paycheck so I saved for it. When I finally saved up enough money to buy a slice of fruitcake I almost cried when I held that fruitcake in my hands. I just wanted to stare at it for hours but I also could not wait to taste it. I took my first bite. It didn’t live up to my expectations. For sure, imagination is better than reality. So I changed my favorite food that day.  I stopped lying about it, too.

We didn’t have Christmas eve dinner too. We couldn’t afford it and I saw how my mom was secretly sad that her children will go to bed hungry and will get jealous at the other kids in our neighborhood who would brag about their Christmas eve feast and the presents they got from Santa.

I hated Santa when I was little. He always, always skipped or forgot to drop by our house. I would hang socks but would just get so sad and disappointed in the morning because it was empty. So I stopped hanging socks. I told my younger brother Santa is a mean guy and that he might not be real.

We didn’t have birthday parties, too. We were struggling to have 3 meals a day, of course, birthday parties was a ridiculous idea.

I was the poor girl in my school, the girl who didn’t have lunch money and will just look at other kids eating their fancy food. Luckily, I didn’t get bullied (because I was smart). I went to schools that you will only get bullied if you’re dumb or if you get the low/lowest scores in something. I lucked out. I have a good brain. I didn’t study when I was young. I would do homework at the last minute. I didn’t have good study habits. Nobody was guiding me. My mom and dad were always working everyday from early morning to late night, I didn’t expect them to. I understood. I know they’re busy so we would have something to eat.

I didn’t ask my parents to buy me things, too. I would make my own toys. I would build my own toy cars. Made my own dolls. Built my castle using pillows and blankets. I used huge shirts as my cape. I was the super hero. The best knight of all the land. I had my best friend with me. My imagination.

Then one day, I just woke up realizing, I was not going to bed hungry! How did that happen? I couldn’t remember when every thing got better. When the going-to-bed-with-empty-stomach stopped. Thanks to my parents and older siblings’ hard work. We stopped the cycle of poverty. 

If you ask my mom (and if you’re LDS you’ll get this) she will answer you, if you live righteously you will prosper in the land. I’m bad with scripture mastery. I think Nephi said that?

I was never ashamed to admit that I was/am poor. There’s no shame in that. My mom would always say, there’s no shame in admitting you are poor but there’s shame in pretending you are not and lying about it.

I don’t hate my parents for not giving me a great childhood or for being deprived as a kid. Actually, I take it back. I had a great childhood. I learned to love the library and all the books I can read there because I didn’t have lunch money and I will just kill time there. I had a great childhood because I became creative and resilient. I had a great childhood because it taught me how to be self reliant and my experiences humbled me. I had a great childhood because I met real friends at a young age that I am still friends with til today.

I am so grateful where I am right now. I am blessed to have an opportunity to live in a country that is so blessed. I am so grateful that my children will not experience the starvation I experienced when I was a kid as long as me and my husband work hard.

I am grateful that my nephews and nieces will not starve, too. I am grateful that growing up poor made me and my siblings so hard working.

Above all, I am so grateful that my child is beautiful and won’t get bullied for being ugly like their mom. That would be another story.